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Good conversations

barbara bates • Feb 17, 2020
A really important management competency - not to mention your life! - is to have skilful conversations. There are not many situations where a leader has got to say, Just do it, now! - perhaps only in front line emergency services - and there is a growing understanding that management is much more about partnership than authority. I do know myself, warts and all, and I'm painfully aware that if I am TOLD to do something, I tend to bristle. But if I am involved and consulted, well, I flourish and go the extra mile. 

Here are a few tips,
  • Listen carefully, as much to what is not being said as well
  • Say what you want clearly and emotionally - don't apologise for asking
  • Ask for suggestions
  • Say thank you for a job well done

One of the best modern books on this topic is this one - it's called 'Conversational Intelligence', and it's all about how to have conversations, in work and life, wherever you are, that make people feel safe, put them in a space of trust and thus lead to deep interactions, partnerships and creative results. It's a big advert but I think it's worth it. 
 
The author, the late Judith Glaser looks at the neurological states we are in when we feel afraid - lots of cortisol, which quite literally turns off our rational thinking brains until we feel safe again. And that can take up to 22 hours! In contrast, when we feel trust and safety, we are high in oxytocin. That's been dubbed the 'love hormone' (a good one for today!) and whilst it's more complicated than that there is a lot of truth in it. 
 
Here's just one example of what you could change in daily conversation, 
  • Instead of 'who's responsible for this mess?'
  • Say this - 'let's talk about what's been getting in the way'
What would you rather hear?

What would be most likely to engage you positively? 
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